What to do when your child doesn't listen to you?

I am a mom of a 4 year old(almost) and he is showing his rebellious side now and then. I can see a disgust and hate all over his facial expression when I try to confront.

It really hurts to see him fall when he can't see the danger at the other side of the tunnel. You want to help him, not like a spoon feed but more like evolve through the situation. It aches to see him do things that isn't accepted by the society on the basis of ethics or norms. You want to guide him and hope he excel but he just doesn't listen.

Katti

I was something like this in my teens but he is such a strong character at this tiny age, I can sense it. I pondered on a win win situation for this crises of mine. I want him to listen to my advice and also let him take his own decisions. His own decision, not that he is capable, but more like a practice of self worth.

General Approach 1: Punish them

Kids are so common to get grounded or refrained from their favorite activity. They are made to stand in a corner and criticized in front of strangers. They are looked down upon and made to believe bad about themselves with the sole intention that they would not repeat the act.

What happens in reality is that they feel less of them. They want to revolt more increasing the power struggles. They either start hating themselves or their parents.

Better Approach: Empathize 

The other day, we had taken our son to watch a 3D movie and after the movie ended we were supposed to return the 3D glasses at the exit. While he saw that he really wanted to take them back home. I showed him how the other kids were also returning it and that's how this works here. He got upset and threw them in the return bin in anger. He also hit his father immediately after that.

In this situation, I wanted to explain him that it wasn't the appropriate way to convey his feelings.

me: Please sit here son, You really wanted those glasses, didn't you?
him: Yes
me: You are sad that we had to return them?
him: hmm ya
me: I am sad for you. I want to buy glasses for you from the market where its on sale. Here its just for this type of movie.
him: ok buy me googles right now.
me: If I can I will but I am upset about one thing. After you gave the 3D glasses what did you do?

he was listening attentively and started looking at his papa

me: I saw you hit papa. Do you thing he would have been hurt?
he nodes his head

me: Papa knows you are upset but he got hurt. do you want to tell him sorry?
him: sorry papa
papa: it's alright beta, come let's go home.

When we leave all the work in hand, prioritize them, show them we understand them, then they open up. They are too small to understand their feelings. Even after so many years, I myself fail to direct my feelings correctly. We can't expect our kids to be flawless. Can we?

General Approach 2: Bribe them

It looks so easy to fool a child. If you go to school without crying then I will give you an ice cream. Brush your teeth or else no desserts for you.
If you want to go to the park, you must finish your homework.

We even convince ourselves by saying things like;

• I am doing for his own good...
• Else he simply doesn't listen...
• he doesn't know what is good or bad for him...

Better Approach: Bring Value

What we want them to do is forget the real why and concentrate on the prize.

The real motivation should be the work itself as it has innumerable benefits and not just the reward. The real reward is intangible at times and if your kids fail to see them they won't work hard on it.

Remember we are just to facilitate. They will live the major part of their lives on their instincts. We can help them strengthen their belief system.

• If you want to enjoy yummy food in your old age too, brushing your teeth will help you keep them healthy, did you see the dentures your granny wears?
• Can you eat all your food? It took so many people's efforts to bring this to your plate.

Bring value to the real outcomes and not distract them for silly carrots.

General Approach 3: Once said and expect it done

How many times we hear our moms say " I have told you a hundred times, yet you don't listen." Did we listen? YES. Did we do? probably not.

There are numerous reasons we didn't do the said thing in the first instance or first command.

Why are we expecting our kids to listen in one go! There is no point in repetition as they aren't deaf but they prefer to ignore.

Better Approach: Show them by practice and example.

What makes a child listen is a soft soothing tone and affection. However many a times we don't need to say so that they follow.

My mom never went to a beauty parlor unless it was a marriage in the house. She never told me not to waste my money on beauty regimes yet I would prefer to groom myself at home without her instructions.

We are all clones of our parents. We choose many of their habits and style subconsciously. So if we need to check our stance first before expecting change.

Similarly to set norms and rules of the house, one need to keep the line of control intact.

No hitting your sibling, no throwing toys and no banging doors can be made to follow by being firm in action and not in words. Catch those tiny naughty hands softly when they try to hit, each time...sooner or later they will understand.

Don't allow them to take you for granted. Show them love even if they don't accept but never mend your rules of house. They will respect you in the end.